I always joke around with my friends that exhaustion is a powerful drug. You know that feeling when your body is just so, so heavy that you can barely move? Or when your head is so full and your eyelids are constantly ready to drop that you canāt focus? You lose motivation to do things that you love or even things you donāt love but have to do anyway. So you end up procrastinating, spending hours watching YouTube and then even more hours trying to catch up on whatever work you were supposed to do and then your sleep schedule is all out of wack and maybe your diet is too and this keeps on going until you break down.
Thatās not healthy. Itās definitely very common, sure, but it shouldnāt be. We live in a society in which we rarely stop to rest and when we do, well, we think about all the things we have to do when we get back to work. How exactly is that rest? Itās not. Itās tiring and exhausting and it doesnāt help anybody in the long run.
Now, picture your body and mind as a machine – it works perfectly when itās out of the box and it serves you well for a while but after that, the wheels start rusting and you might need to do some work on it to restore it to its original form. That can take the form of what we now know as self-care which can be of many types but is mostly advertised as bubble baths and scented candles. Others like to say that self-care doesnāt have to be all bubble baths and candles and meditation which is fair enough, not everybody responds to these things in the same way and doing something pretty mundane can easily trick us into thinking about work so what do you do when the bubble baths donāt work and going for a walk just doesnāt seem feasible? You go back to the basics.
I finally finished the first semester of my second year of university. I started the month of September excited and ready to go to university and do my best then bad things started happening one after the other, ultimately snowballing into a massive depressive episode which lasted for the past three months or so. This semester has been exhausting, to say the least. I missed a bunch of classes because I was exhausted. I didnāt do some of the reading because I was exhausted. I focused on less important things to make myself and my anxiety feel better. I procrastinated and tried to catch up and it just didnāt freaking work because I was and still am exhausted.
My arms and my brain ache as Iām typing this blog post, thatās how freaking tired I am. I sat down to write for one of my stories and I just couldnāt gather the energy to think about this whole other world full of energetic and diverse characters. I feel like thereās this fog clouding the inside of my skull and a cold well inside of my chest and I honestly donāt know how to repair any of those things in a way that will still get me the results I want. I keep saying that Iāll get my shit together, that Iāll figure a way out but I never do because, in the end, thereās rarely one answer to all of our problems. Sure, I can buy a new planner and sit down to write my new year resolutions and goals or I can clean my entire room until it sparkles but thatās just a band-aid solution to the bigger problem which is the fact that I strayed so far from the basics that not even bubble baths and planners can help me feel like a well-rested, well-adjusted member of society.
I aspire to a great life, we all do. I want to live comfortably, to travel and to⦠uh, well, I donāt know what else I want because Iāve been stuck in this loop of exhaustion and trying to fix things with band-aids that just wonāt hold things together. Iāve been so caught up in fixing the petty stuff that I forgot that the world is not just the small bubble that I created around me, that in fact, itās an ocean of dreams and ideas and opportunities for learning and adventure. I can only describe this as walking around with my eyes closed because this is how Iāve been living my life for the past twenty years or so. I want to open my eyes and finally feel that fire in my chest, instead of an empty, cold well and I want my vision to be clear so I can fully understand what I want from life and effectively work for it without getting so exhausted (weāll get exhausted no matter what, after all, but it should never get this bad) that I end up procrastinating and covering it up with a dumb band-aid. Now, mind you, if bubble baths and planners work for you then thatās great! I thought they worked for me too and in a way they do but for me, to fully recover I think I need to get back to the basics.
What are the basics you ask (you probably didnāt)? Eating a healthy, balanced diet (keep in mind that Iām not talking about your weight-loss diets, but diet in general) at specific times of the day, drinking enough water, sleeping eight hours per night, getting enough sun, etc. I donāt do these things even though they are the bare minimum, basic things everyone should do. I make a healthy meal plan I never follow and I say Iāll go to sleep early tonight but I never stick to it even though these things have been proven to make me feel less exhausted. Instead, I slap on a band-aid by taking a bubble bath and getting right back to procrastinating.
Now, Iām not here to tell anybody what to do. In fact, during these three months, I realized that although I started this blog with good intentions, it turned into something I donāt enjoy. Sure, I like music and what not but this is not what I want to do with this platform. Instead, Iām putting this out there as a form of self-care. I am writing my thoughts down and working through them as I type the words and if this is inspirational to anyone then it is, if itās not then whatever, it helps me.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this long word-vomit. The short version of it is that these past few months have been very difficult for me and I have finally found a solution to the problem which is to go back to the basics. Work on setting up a strong foundation for myself and then go from there, or at least thatās the plan – Iāll keep you updated.
I am planning to revamp this blog during the winter holiday which means new content and possibly a new look. I want this blog to be more āmeā and less every other lifestyle blog out there so Iāll work hard on that over the next few weeks! Thanks again for reading and I hope youāve had a great week!
With love,
Sonny xx
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(GIFs ARE NOT MINE, CREDIT GOES TO WHOEVER MADE THEM!)